sessho | Lavi/Kanda fic

Today a short fic (again ;). Dedicated to Tsu-chan! (Uh, lj keeps pissing me off today ><)

Title: [none]
Author: me XD
Dedicated to: tsunami_pl
Fandom: D.Gray-man
Rating: PG-13 (? - I don't know well)
Pairing: Lavi/Kanda
Spoilers: none, I guess
Warnings: none
Summary: Kanda in denial. XD
Disclaimer: I don't own D.Gray-man or Lavi, or Kanda

If there was something that Kanda had never wanted to deal with, it would be love. The mere mention of it always spread a clear disgust on his handsome face.

Of course, to be righteous, it has to be said that there were many things that could be a reason of the grimace's presence. Kanda'd never belonged to tolerant people and it didn't seem as if it was going to change in future. He didn't like many things. 'Too many to mention' as his comrades from The Black Order used to say. When he was nowhere to seen, that is. No one would dare to say something dangerous like that in front of him - not if they treasured their lives (which they did).

But the grade of the contempt that he'd felt to thing called 'love' was much more bigger than antipathy to these all other things and humans and places. Not much less liking he had for other feelings - especially the ones considered 'good' or 'benevolent'.

If someone asked him why was that so, he'd probably not answer - not with words, anyway. And then would be a big mess to clean afterwards. But if, by any chance, he answered verbally, it'd probably be something like that - this type of feelings makes one weak (plus glare and a nice hiss maybe). And that'd be all.

He truly did think that it made one weak. But in fact there was more in this than that. If he learnt to care for someone, it'd be equal to becoming dependent on that person - he'd waste his time and energy on worrying about that person, on thinking about them. And what if that person got seriously wounded - or even died? It'd certainly take its impact on him.

That is what it looked like for Kanda. Not that he was aware of that or would admit it - if he already bothered himself with thinking about this, he saw it rather like that - he was always a loner, he could perfectly manage everything by himself, he didn't need any affection - at all. People that DID need this, were weak - damned Bean Sprout was the best example and proof. And if there was anything that Kanda did care about, it was strength. And honour.

Certainly not love.

He didn't want any shows of affection towards him as much as he didn't like an affection itself.

That's also why he didn't like when Lavi called him 'Yuu'. Deep inside he was afraid of that - it placed Bookman's apprentice too close Kanda for his mental and physical comfort. And he simply hated when someone got too familiar with him. And everything which crossed the 2-metre distance that he kept from everyone counted as too big intimacy. He disliked also when Lavi touched him. Mostly because he enjoyed it, because afterwards he always craved for more. And it was inadmissible. And impossible as well. Yes, impossible, as Kanda used to say to himself when his mind or body dared to betray him.

He didn't feel anything to this stupid red-haired Bookman with eye-patch and ridiculous hammer. He certainly hated his touches - and this shiver that went down his spine whenever he touched him was surely from disgust and aversion. It couldn't be anything else.

Kanda could make everyone believe that he despised love and desire that came along with it and that there's no way for him to ever feel either of these sensations. He could even make himself believe in that. For a while.

But his subconsciousness knew better. And Lavi did too.

English isn't my primary language, so if someone'll notice any outrageous error, feel free to tell me about it.

Comments welcome. :)